I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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