In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
