Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Randomize
