I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
