guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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