Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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