I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
