Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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