Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
