So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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