if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
