I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
