you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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