the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
