I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
