be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize