I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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