at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
