I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
