Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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