I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What a dumb baby whore.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
