Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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