I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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