decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
