I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
