Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
