So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
