he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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