I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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