we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
We got so high we made milksteak
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
