Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
