I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
