It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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