Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
high people should be assigned attendants
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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