Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize