sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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