i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
