I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
