Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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