he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
