you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
