Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
