me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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