i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
