I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
