Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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