My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
