I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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