Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize