Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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