You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
