One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
