I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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