he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
