I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
