Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
