I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
