I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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