you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
