I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
