...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize