I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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