Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
