I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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