I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
