I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
